Sep 04

Total Recall 2012: A Non-Review Review

I would like to tell you three things about the new Total Recall film.  I’m not going to review it for you.  There’s a hundred and one film review websites out there with people who are infinitely more movie smartypants than me and questionably more verbose.  I’d tear it a new one anyway because there wasn’t much I liked about it and who wants to read that?  Besides, I’ve not even seen the first Total Recall film.  Would you trust me to review this one for you?  I didn’t even have a note book in the cinema or anything.


Here are the three things I’d like to tell you about this film.


  1. There was a scene where Colin Farrell is dashing through what looks like immigration in a futuristic
    Total Recall Review Style Colin Farrell Kate Beckinsale

    He looked a lot cooler than this.

    equivalent to an airport.  He’s wearing a translucent full length raincoat.  I like to call them “hero coats” because people like the Doctor and Jack Harkness in Doctor Who would always wear them when they were racing about defeating aliens and saving Rose Tyler.   So Colin Farrell was in a see-through hero coat bombing it away from cops and robots and stuff while his coat flared out behind him, that bit was damned cool.  It’s just a shame he took it off immediately after and so it only lasted for about ten seconds.

  2. Visually, it looked like Blade Runner.  This excited me because I thought Blade Runner looked awesome, mainly because it had Harrison Ford in it.  I think Blade Runner is the peak of Harrison Ford hotness.  Even hotter than Han Solo and whoa-oa-oa you know shit’s getting real when I say that.  He’s my dream dude.  Anyway – tangent there – visually, it looked like Blade Runner.  It’s murky, the streets are bustling, everything’s pseudo-Asian.  It’s pretty cool looking.  I liked it.  They also employ a little “used universe” v “imperial might” to show that the poor people live in crud, technology is awesome and the bad guys are bad ass.Total Recall Review Style Colin Farrell Kate BeckinsaleTotal Recall Review Style Colin Farrell Kate Beckinsale
  3. Kate flaming Beckinsale ruined this movie.  I’m not even joking.  The ending was ridiculous, the foreshadowing was lame but Kate Beckinsale….she was the suck factor that ruined the whole thing.  A stagehand jigging a coat rack back and forth would have been better in this movie than Kate Beckinsale.
Total Recall Review Style Colin Farrell Kate Beckinsale

Dafuq’s up with this smokey eye sex face? Slut.

What really irked me, and this is something I think could have only happened in a boy oriented film, was what they’d slapped on Ms Beckinsale’s face though.  Bearing in mind she’s supposed to be an ass-kicking, brawling, sharp-shooter cop type lady, why in God’s name is she smeared in black smokey eye like some brazen hooker at 10am?  Why has she got a head of tousled curls like a Kardashian sister?  And so she stomped around in her inconceivably high (for impromptu martial arts) heels like some spurned desperate housewife.  I mean, seriously, why are you being that transparent?  Do you need to spell everything out to us?  You might as well have called her Bad Robo Sex Lady and got a robot to play her with massive pointy coner boobs.  It was just ridiculous.  As was her acting.

Total Recall Review Style Colin Farrell Kate Beckinsale

This is what men want, apparently.

And can I just ask, please, why the hell was her hair not even the slightest out of place when she’s in the middle of a massive explosion?  Note that I’m not asking “why the hell wasn’t the hair burnt off her effing scalp, as it would be in real life?”.  All I want is just a glimmer of believability…maybe just a tad windswept.  No? No, film makers?  Fine.

 Then, along comes Miss Jessica Biel.  Miss love interest.  Miss look at my girlish pony tail and non-threatening nearly nude make-up.  Miss let me chase after you, Colin Farrell, in my non-threatening flat shoes.  It’s obvious what Total Recall wants from a woman, that’s all I’m saying.  It’s obvious and it’s pathetic and it’s cliché.  Boom.

If you pay to see movies, don’t waste your money for ten seconds of awesome coat and a lifetime of Beckinsdale hate.  You know what, actually, it’s not her fault.  It’s not her fault she’s hot.  For that, I say, good on you Kate.  You probably work really hard on your stairmaster and you probably never eat chocolate.  So snaps for the effort.  I guess I should actually turn my hate to the dumbasses who make films like this with their ridiculously flimsy female characters.  I mean guys, why you no make good female characters??

Total Recall Review Style Colin Farrell Kate Beckinsale

This is my beef with the Total Recall film neatly summed up in one picture.



Pretty much completely on topic but too messy to put in that actual blog post.  In trying to find a picture of Colin Farrell in THE translucent raincoat, I discovered this picture of Zhora from Blade Runner…doing what?  Running about in a translucent raincoat, of course!  Just goes to show either this whole film was just based on Blade Runner or I’m amazing or we’ll all wear translucent raincoats in the future or Philip K Dick is a prophet or whatever.

Total Recall Review Style Colin Farrell Kate Beckinsale

I’m reading Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said at the moment…FYI.

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  1. googlepo

    This is the second entry I read tonight. And I am on my third. Got to think which one is next. Thank you.

  2. Recipe For Cake Balls

    Hello! Thank you very much for that enlightening article

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